Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
