Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
