She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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