....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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