we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
