if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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