You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You ruined the universe
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
