The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All the doctor said was why
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
