I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
