Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
