Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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