I'm so fucking centered right now
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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