if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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