do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
