Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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