You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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