we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
