you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
