What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
