come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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