just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
