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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
