If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
