Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
