Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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