I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
