so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize