She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize