My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
