She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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