Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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