he thought i was a dude.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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