she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
