she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
