The best revenge is premature balding
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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