Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
