The brown eye won't let me do that either.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
