All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
