Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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