trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
