I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
