we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
