for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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