I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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