Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I am one with the molecules
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
