see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
