If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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