My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
