I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
