What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
