Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
