God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
