Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
