Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
