All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
