When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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