Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
