Tell her she can't have a vagina
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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