cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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